Pain as a Faithful Companion

Rob Michalko said, blindness isn't the end of sight but a different way of existing.

Rather than having lost a part of his self, he is existing in his wholeness.

When I was 16, after my first surgery, I had to make room for pain.

In this new way of existing, I came with something extra, something that I checked in with before

leaving the house, no, wait, before

getting up, no wait, before

just, before.

When you take your first breath in the morning, it's there,

a scream or a murmur?

A scream, okay, soft waistbanded pants, silk top tucked in, low light, stretches before getting out of bed, creams, rubs, the ring that makes me feel like I have supernatural power, the kitchen, oh, the kitchen, can someone please help, and...

A murmur, I will - dare I say - take a group class!

But back to Rob, back to existing in wholeness, just differently. Perhaps it's okay to design my life around pain and me, me and pain. I am existing, existing differently.

An entire identity formulates from realizing this is what makes up part of who I am.

Make room for it.

Because they won't, not without me speaking up.

Negotiate at every turn, my physical needs.

Ask for what is necessary for basic inclusion. Like negotiating for air.

And then, around the bend, I see someone who wants to make me just like them.

Hmmm.

I'm not sure they know what they're talking about. They may hone in on one, but can they see the whole?

They aim to fix me. So they can add one more tally to their markings , etch a win, a victory, by their hand, their brilliance, they personally played a part in the end of my pain. They're a success. If I follow their treatment plan and say the pain has lessened.

Pain isn't the end of life, it's just a different way of existing. And it's mine. The ups and downs of it, I know. The intricacies, I've mapped. Still thinking with my own sharp mind. In contact with my nervous system and the connectivity of all living things on the earth.

And my body - I feel a sign and I know something's happening, interpretting what's to come.

Now, it's dimmer, it's duller, a different language to interpret, a different compass to learn, a new map. It may take a while, but I'm starting to learn it. It's the one they gave me, not the one I made.

Or perhaps as Rob said, endings aren't really endings, but instead we are together walking on this journey of life, they as more of a guide - someone I look to for their expertise and me as an expert as well, on myself. Looking for some help or a deeper understanding of my body.